Nostracarla

Tema de la semana: el mundo se va a acabar!! Bueno, eso es lo que dicen muchas profecias de diferentes culturas, que de plano en el 2012 todo se termina. Tomando en cuenta que eso mismo se decia del a;o 2000, que en el 2000 todo iba a terminar la duda acerca de estas profecias es inevitable, aunque de cualquier modo mas vale estar prevenido, no? Y despues de haber tenido una platica por horas acerca de esto y de cómo tendriamos que ponernos las pilas para realizar en el plazo 2008-2012 todo lo que quisieramos porque ahora si que ya no habria un ma;ana me puse a pensar: que cosas quiero hacer antes de que se termine el mundo?
1. Viajar. Interrelacion cultural. Quiero conocer los lugares que he so;ado con conocer por mucho tiempo: Londres (intentando asi encontrar la conexión con la familia perdida y con mis ancestros; quiza asi le encontraria mas sentido a mi existencia actual?), San Petesburgo, Moscu y Paris encabezando la lista. Aunque tambien me encantaria conocer Amsterdam y bueno, que puedo decir de Praga que por lo que dicen debe de ser hermoso! Creo que despues de Londres y Paris, lo que mas me llama la atencion es basicamente Europa del Este asi que en ese sentido no soy tan ambiciosa (despues de haber visto la enorme cantidad de paises que desfilaron en las Olimpiadas creo que los que me interesa conocer antes de morir no son tantos!)
2. Vivir. Por mas existencialista o quiza idealista que eso suene, es cierto. Que se siente vivir? Y es que dentro de esta categoria entra el factor empatia, conmigo y con los demas. Las cosas pasan o no pasan por algo pero de cualquier modo, me gustaria vivir algo emocionante, interesante, algo que me haga sentir que me existencia haya de verdad valido la pena.
3. Poder llegar a ser cinta negra. Y no es porque sea imposible el llegar a serlo sino porque simplemente seria un logro bastante grande para mi tomando en cuenta la relacion que he tenido a lo largo de toda mi vida con las artes marciales. Creo que si algo me hizo falta con el capoeira fue jamas llegar a la cinta negra.
4. Perfeccionar mi ruso. De verdad ha sido una de mis metas el poder hablar ruso a la perfeccion y aun mas debido a los obstaculos que el poder lograrlo han representado! No quiero solo hablarlo mas o menos sino poder hacerlo con toda la naturalidad del mundo. Para mi ha representado un gran logro lo que he logrado con este idioma al grado que definitivamente ha cambiado mi vida, asi que lo minimo que le debo es poder hablarlo dignamente no?
5. Realizar un cambio. Y esta es la parte mas idealista y la culminacion quiza de mi corta lista, ese deseo de poder hacer una diferencia. Dicen que las ideas cambian a las personas, si eso es cierto entonces que seria de ideas aplicadas? Ideas en accion?
6. Poder comprender aunque sea minimamente como funciona el ser humano y su forma de actuar. Y es que por mas que uno cree que tiene empatia o conoce a alguien, realmente es soprendente que entre mas conexión se cree tener es cuando menos la hay, o mas bien poder decir que en algun momento realmente hubo comunicación con alguien y de ahí surgio una verdadera relacion humana, sin la necesidad de los comportamientos defensivos o inseguros que me recuerdan mas al comportamiento animal, pero quiza esto sea aun mas idealista que el punto pasado.
7. Tener una amistad verdadera. (considero que quiza el idealismo ya me esta dominando) Pero es cierto, anhelo eso. Una persona con quien haya apoyo mutuo y entendimiento mutuo, lo cual automaticamente excluye los ataques de posesion absoluta porque una amistad no implica dar, sino compartir.
Y bueno, creo que basicamente esas son mis metas pero en vez de ponerme a escribirlas quiza deberia ponerme a hacer algo por ellas no? Y aunque las cosas no siempre salen como uno quiere en el momento que quiere, creo que la determinacion es algo muy importante y que marca la diferencia. Habiendo logrado desde hace mucho esa determinacion, creo que el poder llevar a mi madre a pasear a Venecia para que se sienta mas cerca de su sue;o de ser bailarina y bombera y completamente feliz, tan solo seria el resultado de haber logrado todas esas metas J asi que debo ponerme las pilas porque el tiempo corre y cada vez nos queda menos!

Tumult of built emotions

Ok, so lately I've been writing in the livejournal thing just to get a specific someone to read me and hopefully take an interest in me, how pathetic is that?
Things have been...well, using the word weird and harsh would be an understatement. Now that I'm no longer a student and have to set off for the real world, I gotta say things are not precisely easy, I mean, I got my oh my fucking god what the fuck is going to happen from now on crisis, the whole figuring out exactly where do I want to work because the whole idea of having a crappy job, a robotic one, mainly the whole being unhappy thing terrifies me. Honestly, I don't know what to do, but the good thing is that after having been literally moping the floor with depression I have a slightly better attitude right now -or at least I'm trying to-. Cried til I couldn't take it anymore the other day and fortunately there was someone that listened to me and morally helped me, therefore I owe her this upbeating. AFterwards I went to a farewell party, and surprisingly I had a good time and I also bumped into the last people I could have ever thought of, but it wasn't so awkward, just...weird I think. we'll see what happens with that, but to be honest that's the last thing on my mind right now.
To top things off my mom literally had a break down today. Things around the house have not been so easy and I don't know, I feel really guilty for even thinking about this but is wishing for death (not mine I'm not suicidal anymore, I got through that phase a while back :P ) such a bad thing? I mean, it's just so hard seeing that someone's really suffering because of it not happening and the person that causes it is not even aware of it, while I'm just stuck with no idea of what I should do!! It is at times like these that I would really like to have a good job, a life of my own in general, I don't know...just being far away from this, as in actually having a life of my own to worry about, but I guess that is way too selfish and unrealistic of me, which is why I decided that tomorrow I will try to do what I consider would soothe things a bit? but seriously, how do you easy somebody else's pain when it is not physical but emotional and psychological? does doing all the house errands for a day even contribute to soothing them down a bit? I really don't know, but I guess I will have to try, it's better than nothing right?
On other things, what do you do when you realize that you're becoming your mother? as in honestly :S I do see ok some really good things of hers in me but I also see the bad ones, but how do you keep yourself from repeating that pattern? specially when it is the only pattern you have seen for all your life! there is no other point of comparison for me! I am confused, is it good? is it really bad? is thinking I really don't need anybody else in my life really the best option? isn't it and if it isn't then what is the best thing to do? ....probably it is this immense confusion what has led me to write this out on a blog! there's no one to talk to about this, I don't feel like the connection and confidence to talk about this with the few people that surround me and, I don't know, to what point is that my fault as well I am not completely sure of. What sucks even more is that the one person I would really dare to talk to about this does not give a damn in the world, ok maybe not that extreme but does not feel as close to me as I do to her, talk about dissapointment. Maybe it is cultural, maybe it is the lack of communication which is exactly what I've been trying to diminish with that whole posting on the other blog thing but I feel that while I'm really putting an effort on establishing a bigger connection, I am not entirely sure if the other person is even interested in that and just wants to keep yes in touch but not that closely.....I hate this, too many questions unsolved!! too many questions invading my mind and not so many possible solutions to even one of them. Well, I hope that at least writing them down helps to prevent the whole bottling up that eventually leads to breaking down...I think this is pretty much what my life has been all about lately...and honestly, I really hope it gets better soon...as in ASAP...

"Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated than that. It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it."

...ok...doubt here...is it that I am merely lazy or that I am verging on the anti-social? maybe that whole going-to-live-alone-in-a-house-full-of-cats is not that far out hey? ...well...how's that saying? better alone than in bad company?? anyway...I think I'd rather keep that in the back of my mind for now and focus on...anything else...although I think this also relates to my neglecting the new possibility that I had never even thought of. I mean, I'm obviously going to take it in the end, somehow I do have to expand my horizons (and besides it's not that there is anything better anyway) and I know I should do it with a more positive attitude but fear and doubt....huge huge enemies that need to be defeated and also, how can one just forget the past? or do you just have to pretend it never happened so you can let go of the bias that it causes on all following opportunities? .....no clue whatsoever....
So...my possible options are: either stressing out to the point of freaking out and definetely losing it, which would eventually lead to nothing for it wouldn't change a thing...OR and as a buddhist would do...just let things flow and see what happens. Somehow the zen option seems to involve less stress...so I guess mentally I should be tuning myself in for the option that even though I'm not THAT excited about, it is certainly the only option.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

OUCH...so some of those precepts really rung a bell...
On the bright side of things yay, I got really good grades :D ...although I so did not deserve that 7..it is not my fault that the woman is not familiar with the real labour of TEACHING!! but so what I got the highest grades in both subjects of literary criticism, a 7 on northamerican lit? who cares :P

La vie d'une flaneure

Ok now I'm an official flaneur et oui la flanerie est mon noveau style du vie!! hehe and well what else...I had NEEDED some rest!! I ended up pretty beat so apparently right now I'm finally coming alive again. Well, what's new...oh yeah my huge dissapointment about me wanting and desiring and dying to go to St.Petesburg...I would say it's even a craving now! it's just that I really really want to go but I don't know what's going to happen, I mean I have the other invitation but the fucked up part is that I'm not that excited about it I mean yeah that's great but ugh....I don't know, I'm really confused about all of this so I will try not to think about it. Also...I have no idea what's going to happen from now on...time to get a real job?? but HOW AND WHERE AND WHAT :s aaaah panicking...well I guess we'll see what happens..in the meantime here's an amazing poem, I'm really looking forward to read a lot of things now that I finally have the time to do so.

Что в имени тебе моем?

Что в имени тебе моем?
Оно умрет, как шум печальный
Волны, плеснувшей в берег дальный.
Как звук ночной в лесу глухом.
Оно на памятном листке
Оставит мертвый след, подобный
Узору надписи надгробной
На непонятном языке.
Что в нем? Забытое давно
В волненьях новых и мятежных,
Твоей душе не даст оно
Воспоминаний чистых, нежных.
Но в день печали, в тишине,
Произнеси его тоскуя;
Скажи: есть память обо мне,
Есть в мире сердце, где живу я...

NOT betraying

OK so as to not betray my older blog here I am posting...you see what happens when you open up other blogs? they expect you to write something in it! sooo today I did that but I will always remain faithful to this one hehe, I've already unloaded so much in here that it's only fair I do so. Well, the good thing is that my friend has actually replied and she didn't seem mad at all, which is great news and apparently she's the reason why I'm going to start writing in my "other" blog hehe wow I'm double blogged who would have thought of it? well...what's new...it's only a week left of being an actual student, which is exciting but at the same time scary..I'm not so sure of it being the actual reason why I feel a bit depressed right now, I just feel that my life is...boring? I don't know, I want new things which somehow I know they're bound to come with this new cycle that is going to start but still, dammit, the thing is that I feel sad. lonely and so on, won't get into much details.

What else...I've been training a lot recently to make up my month and half abscence but it helps me to feel better which is good so I plan to keep that up and..I guess this is it for now :) peace out

ONE ART

Well I really liked this poem and I think it describes perfectly the way I feel after what happened yesterday night at the whole VIVE LATINO thing...seriously. if you know someone likes you you just don't do that....so I guess this calls for a chapter closing!! in the meantime I have to go back to writing my truly final essays!!


The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

To you

And after having suffered greatly my 'wisdom teeth' injuries (and still am), as well as having regained and clarified things with some people that have demonstrated so far that they are worth it, as well as having been finally released from what already seemed to be like a prison to me, as well as the fact that I have to write a bunch of essays, very long essays that are going to be my last ones...after all of that....I heard a poem today that really REALLY moved me....(that and also the postcard that the chere Marie sent to me) and therefore I really want to incorporate it to my posts even though I know I haven't been posting in quite a while....all the same...I have not been feeling like it and my previous sentences have resumed the relevant things that have happened to me...sooo without further adue...here it is:

To You
by Walt Whitman
(1819-1892)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,
Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners,
troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true soul and body appear before me.
They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work,
farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking,
suffering, dying.
Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb'd nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color'd light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color'd light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you,
There is no virtue, no beauty in man or woman, but as good is in you,
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you,
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.

As for me, I give nothing to any one except I give the like carefully
to you,
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing
the songs of the glory of you.

Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the East and West are tame compared to you,
These immense meadows, these interminable rivers, you are immense
and interminable as they,
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent
dissolution, you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain,
passion, dissolution.

The hopples fall from your ankles, you find an unfailing sufficiency,
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest,
whatever you are promulges itself,
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing
is scanted,
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are
picks its way.